Tuesday, October 16, 2012

A Struggle with Infertility--Part 2

undefinedMy husband and I had been married for seven years, and we had been praying for a baby. After several trips to the doctor’s, we were referred to see a specialist.   After several different tests were done, the doctor called and wanted to see us at his office.  During the ride in the car on the way over we were both very quiet – praying for a miracle.  Before going in to see the doctor, we prayed together that we would be willing to accept whatever the results would be.  

The doctor that we saw was an older gentleman and was very kind. He also claimed to be a Christian.  He said, “After looking over the test results it looks as if you will never be able to have a child of our own. If you were my children, I would advise you to adopt a child.” 

Our hearts were broken.  We walked out his office, went to our car, and cried.  We cried for the loss of a hope of having a baby of our own.  I felt as if we were being punished by God. I can say that if ever there was a time I felt like I was in the depths of despair, it was then.   

I began to question God foolishly, “Why us Lord?” 

In the days and weeks that followed, every time I would see a baby or hear of someone else having a baby I would instantly begin to cry.  I must have driven my husband crazy. There were several times when I would be out shopping and I would see a young child or a pregnant mother and I would have to walk away with tears rolling down my face.  It seemed to me at this time that everyone that I knew was having a baby.  My heart ached for a baby.  

One day after reading Psalms 37:4, “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of  thine heart.”  I knew that my desire was for a baby, and it seemed as if God had said no, yet my heart still had a strong desire.  It was then that I prayed, “God if it is not your will for us to have a child please change my desire.”
I prayed this prayer every time I felt overwhelmed or defeated.  I was doing my best to accept the fact that, for whatever reason, God in Heaven had said, “No”. I would sometimes think of the verse in Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”  

I think one of the things that surprises me the most is how unkind people can be.  Many time people speak without thinking of how their words can really hurt someone.  Well-meaning people say really stupid things.  It was during this time that I had a pastor’s wife say to me, “When are you going to get right with God and give your husband a child?” When this was said to me, I could hardly contain myself. I excused myself and went outside to cry. I begin to pray again, “Lord if it is not your will, please change my desires.” I just hurt all over.  When my husband came and found me. I remember I told him what was said, then we both began to cry. I know it was just one person that said that to us but we felt so alone.  It seemed to us that everyone we know had children. What was wrong with us?!   

In the days and weeks that followed, I really had to fight against becoming bitter: bitter towards God, and bitter towards others who had children. It seemed that when I would be feeling sorry for myself these hurtful words would be ringing in my ears.

Just thinking about that time in our life makes me want to cry again. I think this woman thought that because I worked I had chosen a career over a baby. 

I had a couple of different couples say to us that until we had children our marriage was not blessed of God. I cannot count how many people have asked, “Why don’t you have a child? Are you the problem or is it your husband?” 

How does one respond to mean and cruel statements that people make? I tried to respond with grace.  I would try to put a smile on my face and find a nice way to tell them it was none of their business. 

It is only natural to want to talk about babies and motherhood. However sometimes the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut, and say a prayer for those who do not have children. 

The most encouraging words I heard while going through this time in my life were, “I am praying for you.”  I remember there was a woman in our church who, every time she saw me,  would say, “I’m still praying for you and your husband to have a baby.”  Just knowing that she was praying for me lifted my spirits!  I knew my friends were praying for me.

The author of this blog post wishes to remain anonymous. 

The Lord has blessed them with a daughter, but not in the way they would have imagined. Instead, He allowed them to adopt a beautiful and precious little girl. Please be in prayer for their family as they continue to serve God.

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